DRECK

JAMISON LUNG

POOL SAFETY PSA

Jamison: Hi everyone sorry to interrupt this won’t take very long I promise. My name’s Jamison I’m here representing today’s sponsor —wooo [does a little half-hearted pep move] Noah very graciously allowed our organization to come and give a presentation on pool safety and offer an interactive safety demonstration...[beat. Awkward silence from the audience. Turning to Noah, off mic] It doesn’t seem like there are a lot of pool owners here? I was led to believe this was a conference for pool and safety enthusiasts? Why are you looking at me? That’s what she told me—I don’t know where she is—she’s supposed to be here by now—
Cassie: [busting in] I have failed my job as a scent composer. This place smells awful!
Jamison: Oh thank god you’re here we can get started—
Cassie: Clear the table I’m coming in hot. You would not believe how much guff I’ve been given today it’s almost like nobody wants to smell good anymore.
Jamison: I mean if you have a pool you have to use chlorine, you can’t avoid the chemical smell it just comes with the territory—
Cassie: [stopping what she’s doing in disgust] what the hell are you talking about?
Jamison: It smells like chlorine in here right? Isn’t that what you’re talking about? I thought it was strange that this apartment doesn’t seem to have a pool...
Cassie: That’s the smell of success Jamison, and the only way we’ll get it is by convincing these noseblind fools that they don’t smell like it—it being success mind you— but after tonight they sure as hell will want to.
Jamison: That’s no way to refer to these fine pool and safety enthusiasts. [whispering] they’re homeowners.
Cassie: Homeowners shmomeowners. I’ve got these shmoes smelling out of the palm of my hand.
Jamison: Now you’re just insulting them.
Cassie: They’ll be insulted when I tell them to be insulted! This is like ministry. It’s money-stry. And the money smells good. Smell this [holds out large paper bag]
Jamison: [pinching nose] oh Jesus—
Cassie: Today is not his day. Today is my day. We’re not actually a ministry. Today we are changing the stinky lives of all of these...
Jamison: fine young people?
Cassie: I was going to say marks but that works too—say, did you bring the defuser like I asked?
Jamison: You didn’t ask for a defuser. Why would we need a defuser?
Cassie: Duhhhh for the potpourri?
Jamison: I thought we were doing a PSA?
Cassie: You have got to get your ears checked. But not today. Today is a nose day.
Jamison: But I had this whole speech about swimming and eating and waiting to swim until after you’ve eaten, or I mean it was the other way around but they would have figured that out—
Cassie: Jamison, this is the second one of these we’ve done where I’m selling something. First it was the hatrack, today it’s potpourri. Keep up. [addressing the audience] Hi folks I’m Cassie and this is Jamison and today we’re here to introduce you to the wonderful world of potpourri—
Jamison: Wait, can we side bar for a minute?
Cassie: Sidebar?
Jamison: Yes?
Cassie: What?
Jamison: That’s what I was gonna ask?
Cassie: ask what?
Jamison: Pot purée?
Cassie: Potpourri.
Jamison: Pool floaties?
Cassie: [snapping her fingers] honey honey you are not this dense. It’s smells baby it’s smells today we’re selling smells.
Jamison: I think I can work with that I mean the speech I prepared was originally more of a preaching kind of thing but—
Cassie: Forget the speech! Look, if you’re going to be selling these with me, you need to pronounce potpourri right. Or else you’re gonna get cut.
Jamison: Cut?
Cassie: Yeah, like on a basketball team? I’m cutting you from the team. What did you think I meant?
Jamison: Well, that one time, when you were selling those automated bird feeders...
Cassie: One time, babe, one time. And now you know better, right?
Jamison: Now I know the difference between a continuous and interrupted suture. You know, I think that doctor had some sort of arrangement with those birds—
Cassie: That’s great sweetheart, can we get back to my smells now?
Jamison: Ok I’ve centered myself I think I’m ready.
Cassie: [turning back to the audience] At Odor Profile, we personally match you with the scent that is right for you. Using our proprietary precision scent technology, we can pinpoint with extreme accuracy the scent that will complement the natural aroma of your skin and mask the pungency of your skin musk—
Jamison: Ok wait can we take another sidebar
Cassie: WHAT is it this time?
Jamison: I’m not following?
Cassie: Skin and skin musk are two separate categories of smell. There is a distinction and I need you to know this.
Jamison: I just feel really unprepared for this. Are you sure we’re not—
Cassie: Jamison, why would we be giving...
Jamison: ...a PSA about pool safety?
Cassie: You hear how stupid that sounds? Pool Safety? In the winter? You think I’m that bad of a business woman I’d be selling summer fun in the winter?
Jamison: ...well I just thought you were trying to get people ready for summer in a responsible way...
Cassie: This QVC shit is small fry. I’m in it for the big time, Jamison. One day I will be on Etsy. Then I’ll show them. I’ll show them all.
Jamison: And today?
Cassie: Today we tell them about the aromatic wonders of Odor Profile. [turning to the audience, clearing throat, speaking stiffly as if from a script] Jamison, how would you describe this Odor Profile? [holds jar out to her]
Jamison: [starting stiffly, script-like] um....Well, Cassie, I’d say [suddenly smelling it and losing it] oh my god what is that?
Cassie: [unbreakingly salesman-like] Well that’s what I was hoping you could tell us. Jamison, can you describe this scent using one of our patented primary scent categories?
Jamison: [slightly coughing] can I what?
Cassie: Natural, Synthetic, Popular, or Weird. Those are the primary categories we judge our scents by.
Jamison: I feel like they are all Weird.
Cassie: Please phrase your observations using the proper nomenclature. Observe. [smelling the jar] Odor Profile: Popular; Secondary Notes: Saline, Indole, and Gustatory Odors. [turning to Jamison] Taste is part of the scent experience. You want to be able to taste it.
Jamison: That won’t be a problem.
Cassie: You don’t understand, this was my great grandmother’s recipe. Of course, she used it for getting stains out of cloth baby diapers but you see less of those around these days.
Jamison: And maybe this scent should have gone with them.
Cassie: Can you guess what this one is called?
Jamison: It’s your grandmother’s recipe so maybe something like...I don’t know, ”Gold Harvest Medley“?
Cassie: Wrong. This one’s called “Extreme Limit: Rock.” [pronounced Extreme Limit “colon” Rock]
Jamison: It must be where the chlorine mustard gas smell is coming from.
Cassie: This one is too good for you. And for the record, chlorine is not mustard gas. They are two separate things. Mustard gas is made with ammonia and bleach and you would know this if you spent half as much time as I have studying scents.
Jamison: I spent all that time studying pool saftey! That has to count for something.
Cassie: It counts for nothing. Can you even identify this one? [holding out new jar]
Jamison: Is that...rosemary?
Cassie: Wrong. It’s actually Odor Profile: Natural; Secondary Note: Goat Hair.
Jamison: How can you even tell?
Cassie: Anyone can smell goat hair.
Jamison: Let me guess, this one’s called “The GOAT”?
Cassie: I would never name a scent something so pedestrian. It’s called “A Scented Crock of Gold.”
Jamison: Who would have thought we’d sink so low we’d be doing prop comedy?
Cassie: Hey, you better watch it! My grandmother was a prop comedian. Of course, she did it mainly with—
Jamison: Cloth baby diapers yes we did this already.
Cassie: You stinker—
Jamison: I think the preferred term is “nasally challenged.”
Cassie: I resent that. I haven’t been able to smell right since that bird thing.
Jamison: Wait wait side bar side bar.
Cassie: [seething under her breath] uh uh ok what what what what is it?
Jamison: What do you mean you can’t smell? When you walked in you said this place stunk.
Cassie: I have other senses, Jamison.
Jamison: How can you sell potpourri and not be able to smell them?
Cassie: The scents sell themselves! My ability to smell does not affect the quality of the Odor Profile product!
Jamison: If you asked anyone here they may beg to differ.
Cassie: These people look like they wear a belt with their sweatpants. If I had a sales partner who was even half as good at scent selling, we’d have run out of jars 1000 syllables ago.
Jamison: I can do this! Just give me one more chance.
Cassie: Fine. But you’re on thin ice missy.
Jamison: Alright next is...this one’s sharp woah...is that monkey gland and corn silk?
Cassie: “No Thanks, I’ve Had Enough.”
Jamison: I don’t understand?
Cassie: “No Thanks, I’ve Had Enough.”
Jamison: We haven't even sold anything yet?
Cassie:“No Thanks, I’ve Had Enough.”
Jamison: Is that considered Popular or Weird?
Cassie: This one isn’t part of the system.
Jamison: Then why is it in the bag?
Cassie: I made it to remind me of how FIERCE I am Jamison I am an entrepreneur I am making herstory and this time you can’t ruin it for me you stupid bitch [immediately] I’m sorry that wasn’t very feminist of me.
Jamison: Are you asking for forgiveness?
Cassie: I wouldn’t expect you to understand.
Jamison: What’s that supposed to mean?
Cassie: You being the resident straight girl in this company—a position that I might add is liable to be cut.
Jamison: 20 minutes ago I didn’t know we were incorporated.
Cassie: It’s common law. Well it is for me. But some judge—
Jamison: Wait did they ever reach a verdict? I thought it ended in a mistrial after—
Cassie: [growing increasingly uncomfortable, Cassie starts to sing a fake ringtone for a fake phone call] Oh no I think I’m getting a phone call it sounds important.
Jamison: Isn’t that just you singing?
Cassie: [winces] ooo I’m so sorry I have to take this—you know what, you should just do your speech—
Jamison: [bright-eyed] Really? You really mean it? [at this point, Cassie has moved away and is taking the fake phone call, not paying attention to Jamison. Cassie talk on the phone.]
Cassie: No I can talk right now, I’m not busy. Why? Did something happen? [beat] Huh? [beat] Oh, don’t worry about that [beat] It’s the pool monologue. [beat] Yes, that pool monologue. [beat] I know, I tried to talk her out of it. Well, not really. not really. [beat] Anyway... [beat] He did not! He promised it for my potpourri business. [beat] Yes I’m still doing that. It’s going great. I’m making a lot of money right now. [beat] P-O-T-P-O-U-R-R-I. [beat] No, it’s one words. Sometimes it’s spelled with a dash though. [beat] It’s in the middle. [beat.] No, stoppppp I’m not that good at spelling [beat] Well that was ONE time, and I was drunk [beat] D-R-U-N-K . [beat] you were there! [beat] No, not T-H-E-I-R that doesn’t even grammatically make sense. [beat] It’s called Odor Profile. [beat] I’m not calling it that. [beat] I’ve already trademarked Odor Profile [beat] yes, Odor Profile [beat] You don’t even know what that means [beat] Natural, Synthetic, Popular, or Weird. [beat] Natural, Synthetic, Popular, or Weird! [beat. slowly] NATURAL, SYNTHETIC, POPULAR, OR WEIRD. [beat] I don’t get what’s so confusing about this. Natural, Synthetic, Popular, or Weird [repeat until Jamison gets to final line, putting different emphasis every time.]
Jamison: [addressing audience] Few summer pleasures promise as much fun as splashing around in your very own outdoor or indoor pool. Backyard pools have become a mainstay of water enjoyment throughout our suburban United States, allowing many to enjoy the benefits of swimming, diving, and all the rest. A growing number of urbanites have welcomed the home pool into the urban living arrangement, sacrificing space and comfort for the exciting maritime opportunities of pool ownership. But several problems cloud the horizon of pool safety.
The old school of thought believed that eating diverts blood away from the arms and legs, which could cause you to get tired and fatigued. We know now that there is no scientific basis for such a recommendation. Many may disagree with this new school of thought, but they only want to stifle innovation or creativity.
Being in water is inherently an adventure, just as riding a horse or receiving serious medical diagnoses. The pool industry shares the goal of avoidance of drowning, but many pool and safety enthusiasts are unaware of the dangers that lurk beyond the water. Fact: 55 or so fires and explosions occur annually in and around home pools. Fact: any foreign matter in or around the pool vicinity could cause fire. Fact: Fire is the enemy of pools. You may ask yourself: how could fire come so close to water? The answer may surprise you. We have prepared a take-home safety pamphlet outlining proper pool safety regulations. We have unfortunately run out of pamphlets.
Though there are many dangers that lurk around and within a home pool, we do not want to have people not enjoying pools. Life has its risks and rewards, which are all part of the adventure of life. But remember—
Cassie: [Screams whatever word she ends up on in the phrase “Natural, Synthetic, Popular, or Weird”.]

Stella Gleitsman